water cuts stone

  I wake every day with a boulder on my chest, walk every step with a stone on my heart. The insidious part of depression is that it feeds on itself and there is no energy or ability to engage in acts of salvation. 

This past weekend I spent 2 and a half days in bed. I was invited to several Shabbat meals, heard of wonderful synogogues to check out and enjoy but I could not move. I spent my time trying to numb my pain stem my boredom and contemplate my intention for suicide. I could not carry it out and find myself still here, still carrying the stone. I am not afraid of being dead I am afraid of the pain of the path to get there and what is more I am petrified of sabotaging my future. I guess that is where the suicidality comes in, I am so scared of my future it makes me worried I dont have a future so lets just wash it all away. Make it irrelevant. I wanty a future worth having or I dont want one at all. 

Seeing the elderly hobbling about does not make me wish for longevity they have been blessed with, it makes me fear the infirmity of old age. It makes me fear for it so much I feel like I myself must be at the end of my days. 

I am so worried of a future with no purpose that I want to rob myself of my future altogether. 

I finally got the dream job I have been waiting for and working towards and I feel paralyzed and unable to show up for it making the days of waiting for bearocracy to sort itself out an agonizing in between period of neither here nor there. I cant just show up and prove myself wrong because the paperwork is in process and I cant celebrate the delay because I am in fear of the ultimate begining. And yet I need to show up - most days I dont but some days no choice and I know I need to start pushing myself more. I feel I have no coping strategies and no tools to alleviate the depression and anxiety. I have tried so many things and it feels like nothing works. I am at loss. 

I stay at home and give in to the depression and it feels worse, I go out and push myself and it also gets worse. Deep breathing makes me look like a madwomen and barely keeps me above water. Why would I want to die by drowing? Because I am constantly drowning all the time - at least thi swill finally bring an end to the suffering. And yet while I carry the constant thoughts of wishing for the torture to be over I have to overcome all that to keep and and carry on with life. 

So today as I was heading from a guitar lesson to a driving lesson I really needed to dig deep and find something that could get me through. I was thinking about Trudy Ederle, the first woman to swim the English Channel. She knew that all the political fights and social activism to change sports for woman meant nothing if it wasnt proven in reality. The biggest change comes from change itself. I myself am an activist in the world of mental health. 

I wish I had complaints about the current system in Israel because that would mean there is hope out there for me - it would mean there is possibility I could be helped but the system wont allow for it. But no, the system is incredible and all the mental health professionals who work with me are so kind and respectful. Alas I am beyond hope. But I did suffer a lot in the USA where I was not able to be helped and experienced a lot of derision and disrespect from the system. I also work to enhance the system, help spread tolerance and support throughout society, spread awareness and promote access. 

But as Trudy Ederle changed the system by living out the vision of opportunity and accomplishment that is the greatest place where I can make my mark. Living a life of overcoming, day by day. I really internalized that message to myself and had a better driving lesson today that previous lessons. I got through it. I dont know how I will get through tomorrow or the next day - part of me prays for a glorious future and part of me prays for the deliverance from pain that it seems to me only death can bring.